devjaz

Friday, November 14, 2014

Diane Smith Adamez


"My Sparkling Diamond". 3 days ago my beautiful wife for 14 years, the incredible mother of my 4 beautiful and amazing children, Diane Marie Smith was killed in an auto accident. I met Diane on Feb 15th 1986. After talking to her for about a minute, I knew that she was the woman I was going to marry. My life with her was quite typical I suppose, filled with incredible high's & low's, ups & downs, successes, failures, snips, snails & puppy-dog tails. The Good Lord had given me an amazing, beautiful and loving wife, and 4 incredible children. With Diane by my side, it seemed that there was nothing that I couldn't accomplish. In good times and bad, she was always there to encourage, motivate and soothe my soul. But the one thing that I loved about her the most, was this. She believed in me. Life, such as it is, is unpredictable. And as they say, everything happens for a reason. 5 years ago, we divorced. Losing Diane as my wife, and losing my family of four children, as well as my extended family was just the beginning. I lost all my faith and self-confidence in what i like to refer to as "My Two-year Mid-life Crisis". These past 3 years have been really good. I've been able to open my heart, and let a few select people in who have nurtured my soul. My relationships with my children had gotten to the point where I didn't "feel" like a "parent of divorce". This was due to the fact that Diane had never, ever, made me feel that I had any lesser authority, control or rights as the father of our children. Ever. These past 2 years, I slowly began to realize that there was still something deep inside me, "an inner demon" that continued to gnaw on me. Something that I couldn't "get over" that stemmed from the divorce. Something that I feel that has been keeping me from realizing my full potential. Two years of soul-searching and I still can't identify it. These past 3 days, I haven't been able to grieve at all for my loss of Diane. I've tried several times to post something to alert all of you, but I just couldn't type any words because my brain refused to think them up and my fingers would not type them. These past 3 days, my grieving has been centered on my children's loss of their mother. I can't imagine anything in all of the universe more tragic or devastating as my children losing their Mother. She was the center of their world. She was the center of my world. About an hour after I was informed of her death, I was struck with a realization that I did not know for sure just what would show up on her will regarding custody of the children. Again, life as it is, is unpredictable. And I can tell you that unless you are, or have been divorced with children, no matter how many divorce movies you've seen or divorced friends you have, etc., you really, absolutely, have no earthly concept of how terrifying the fear of uncertainty can be when it pertains to the custody of one's children. These past 3 days have been without a doubt, the worst days of my life. So much pain. So much loss. So much indescribable suffering. I never imagined or even knew about the aloneness and alienation that people experience when an ex-spouse dies. Miraculously, this evening I received a call from my son who informed me that Diane had indeed given me custody of our children in the event of her untimely death. At that moment, I realized that the "inner demon" had been identified and utterly destroyed by the one thing that I loved the most about Diane. Yet, I am saddened and crushed that it had taken the event of her death for me to finally realize that: She (still) believed in me. "My dearest Diane, I know now that you will always be by my side, and I know there is nothing that I can't accomplish. In good times and bad, I know you will always be watching over me and our children, always there to encourage, motivate and soothe our souls. You can rest in peace, because I know that you alone are the only who who knows that i will move mountains to provide our children, give them the love, nurturing, joy, and peace of mind that you gave them as their loving mother, and to me as my loving wife." Life, such as it is, is unpredictable. And as they say, everything happens for a reason. I am still uncertain what the future holds for me and my children. There are still many difficult decisions to be made. I am sure our lives will be filled with incredible high's & low's, ups & downs, successes, failures, snips, snails & puppy-dog tails. As much as I know I will miss Diane, I will always be able to see her and talk to her because she lives on in our children, Courtney, Matthew, Jennifer, Morgan, and our grandson, Julian Cade. Now, I can finally grieve over her loss, and I can't believe that she is gone out of our lives, that I will never see her beautiful smile again, or hear the sound of her laugh. But thankfully, the last words I said to here were, "I love you!", and the last words she said to me were, "I love you too!", and it is so wonderful because over these past few days I've noticed that the sadder I am feeling, the louder and clearer those last words of hers pop into my head. Diane, I love you. Goodbye my beautiful angel. In loving memory of Diane Marie Smith Jan. 20th, 1963 - Oct. 15, 2010








Read more »
Posted by Unknown at 7:15 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Newer Posts Home
Subscribe to: Comments (Atom)

About Me

Unknown
View my complete profile

Blog Archive

  • ▼  2014 (1)
    • ▼  November (1)
      • Diane Smith Adamez
Awesome Inc. theme. Powered by Blogger.